Insecurities . . .
Probably the biggest factor behind my anxiety. Probably the biggest factor behind my stress. Probably the biggest factor behind my bouts of depression.
There it is. All of it, out in the open. I seem to have it all together in everyone else’s eyes. I look incredibly happy, set to go, not a care in the world . . . but I have my bad days/weeks like anyone else. I hide it, like I’ve always done, because that’s the way I am. My struggles aren’t debilitating by any means, but they’re still there. Why? Sometimes I don’t even know what causes them.
My past definitely created the problems. Experiences with someone I loved continuously lying to me, about every action, eventually caused me to question everything . . . and bam! Anxiety stressor numero uno. If I question every statement, story, excuse, or reason given to me, then I have no time to rationalize the situation. My mind is too occupied creating possible scenarios in my head. My insecurities rush in and take over. One small step forward and then three giant leaps backward. Eventually the fears of being lied to take over and mild depression sets in. I’m still able to function, but it’s there, in the back of my head, to remind me that I’m not perfect.
And no one is perfect . . . obviously. But I am a perfectionist and will always strive to achieve it. I give advice to friends that experience similar circumstances, but have a hard time following that advice for myself. Overcoming the havoc that verbal abuse wreaked on my soul seems to be far more complicated than anyone really understands. The scars are so deep they may last a lifetime. You can’t just get over it, and leaving doesn’t instantaneously heal them. The toxicity of your relationship will make or break you. It will either make you stronger, or render you incapable of trusting at all. But there are ways to help understand your feelings more in depth and take charge of the downward spiral before it slips from your control.
Overthinking kills happiness. So that should be easy, right? Just don’t overthink the situation. Let bygones be bygones and walk away from it. Much easier said than done. I try to practice this habit on myself, but overthinking and anxiety go hand in hand. So instead, when I feel myself starting to play scenarios in my head, that, by the way, are almost always completely out of my control, I try to engage in activities to take my mind off of it. Exercise, writing, reading, games with my kids, cleaning . . . and usually that works temporarily. And honestly, at this point in time, temporary is better than nothing at all. Baby steps, right?
Insecurities kill self-esteem. Most often when I am feeling insecure about anything, I take to social media. I post a picture and voila, instant gratification. Not the best answer . . . this can lead to unhealthy use of these outlets and we need to live in the real world and focus on our true accomplishments. Some days, just getting out of bed can be something worth celebrating. We all have struggles, regardless of our experiences. Every single person on the planet has some type of insecurity that they struggle with. Embrace it. Know that you are not alone. Celebrate your progress and the things you like about yourself, and create goals that are attainable. This allows you to accomplish tasks and therefore feel better about yourself.
Lies kill trust. Most importantly, be honest with yourself. Don’t hide behind a facade of everything in your world is perfect. Nothing is ever perfect. Be honest to those around you. When you are no longer hiding things, no matter how small, the burden will be lifted from your shoulders, automatically making you feel better about your life. And pay attention to those around you. Put your faith in people, but keep yourself aware of red flags that indicate whether or not someone is trustworthy.
With these things, I can keep my anxiety at bay, and fight my insecurities. I will be a better, happier, healthier, me.