Addicted

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I don’t matter. My needs, my wants, my feelings, have all taken a back row seat to my partner’s need to feed his insatiable appetite for drugs.

Alone. Alone in my bed at night, alone with my thoughts, alone in my struggle to make a living.

The Man Cave. HA! More like Drug Cave. Lines of white powder, lines of crushed pain killers, broken ink pens, and powdery dollar bills. Everywhere.

What is happening? What has become of my life? When did I allow this evil to creep in and take control?

No more. It has to end or I have to leave. I’m drowning. Drowning in fear, in constant misery, in depression. Make it stop. Make him stop.

I don’t matter. Only the high matters to him. So I’m gone. I’m nothing.

. . . I would have been worn down to nothing . . . Eventually, his addiction would have destroyed us both.

Drug addiction is a need to satisfy a habit that is stronger than the urge to eat when you’re hungry. A need so greedy that everything else becomes non-existent. Some drugs are more intense than others, each yielding their own unique consequence, and each possessing the ability to change the addict’s personality drastically. Irritability, paranoia, depression, and irrational anger are just a few of the behavioral changes that accompany drug abuse. Chemical changes take place in the user’s brain which interfere with their judgement, ability to think clearly, control their behavior, or feel normal without drugs. People that abuse drugs are more likely to abuse their loved ones due to the adverse effects from using and the need to satisfy their high. According to the NCADV, 61% of domestic violence offenders also use/abuse substances. Often they try to blame their battering on being under the influence; however, substance abuse treatment does not “cure” abusive behavior. Their thought processes are highly irrational and even the tiniest irritation may throw them into a rampage. When you mix this issue with someone who already exhibits abusive tendencies, the behavior is exacerbated.

I had no rights to voice my opinion on his drug abuse, and when I did, I was met with ultimatums. If I wanted my partner to give it up, then I had to give up my occasional glass of wine. And by occasional, I mean once every few weeks I had a glass or two. In my opinion, it was entirely unfair. Some might have said that if I wanted my partner to quit badly enough, I would have given up my freedom to enjoy a glass of wine. Why? Why should I give up any legal freedoms in order to get my partner to stop doing illegal things which were destroying our lives? His ultimatum was a manipulation technique, another way for him to regain control over the situation. A way for him to justify his actions.

He said he was sorry. But the addiction to pain killers never stopped. I tried overcoming it. His family tried an intervention. I felt pressured to stay, to be another June Carter, a woman whose love was so powerful it cured her man’s addiction. But you can only try for so long, after that you are just enabling it. Some things never change. Some people don’t want to change. Some habits are too hard to break. And sometimes we need to open our eyes and see them for who they really are.

If I had stayed and tried again and again and again to be his June Carter, to be his whipping boy, to be his crutch, eventually I would have been worn down to nothing. Eventually, my depression would have been too much to bear. Eventually, his addiction would have destroyed us both. If there is anything that I want our readers to glean, it’s that sacrifice in the name of love is different than sacrifice in the name of selfish desire. At some point you have to learn to let go, for your own sake.

~Christa G.

12 thoughts on “Addicted

  1. You have suffered for love, no doubt, but all you are saying shows that you have recognized your inability to stay with an addict who has made his intent crystal clear. Only when he has to face his demons with no one to try and shift the blame onto will he begin to wake to reality. You only did the right thing, all the pain can hopefully drift into the past while you focus on your future. Good luck and well done, stay strong

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Drew5000G,
      Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. Thankfully that is very much a part of my past, and very much a part of the stronger woman I am working to become. Blessings to you! Have a fantastic night! ~Christa G.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. K

    I can’t even begin to describe how much I needed to read this right now. I’m laying here with a sick child in my arms while his dad is who knows where doing who knows what and hasn’t even checked on him since he found out he was sick. His family, after over a year of him turning our life into a roller coaster still pushes for us to be together. He still uses threats and scare tactics to try to control me and keep me from leaving. I’ve said it before but I pray I mean it this time. I’m done. I know it will never get better the way things are. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. K
      Leaving my abusive, manipulative, drug abusing ex was the best decision I ever made for myself and my three children. Abusers cannot see beyond themselves, beyond the need to get high, and beyond the need to escape from reality. You and your baby deserve happiness, and it’s waiting for you. We have a helpful links section in our blog if you need help figuring out where to begin or just need support. Without the help of my parents I wouldn’t have been able to leave and stay away. The first few months were a roller coaster, but eventually you regain control and are able to piece your life back together. The hardest part is sticking with your decision, it’s hard, but it’s necessary if you want to be happy. You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers. .. and please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone or us if you need support. Much love to you, and thank you for commenting!
      ~Christa G.

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  3. People who stay with incorrigible addicts are damaging their health. The addicts themselves should realise what a good quality of life entails for themselves and their dear ones and get help. This week I am off sugar and nearly got a divorce, blocked a couple of people on social media, made threatening phone calls to a couple of friends and all the time I was aware of the fact that white sugar is 8 times more addictive than cocaine! The article on sugar in the Guardian this week had hundreds of comments underneath! Quit everything and like Steve Jobs, live on air!

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    1. Furiouscuriouscancersurvivor,
      It is very true, anyone that stays in a relationship with an abusive person that is addicted to drugs, is at risk of damaging their own mental health. The stress related to the roller coaster ride of emotions can cause serious damage to self-esteem and self-worth. It’s devastating. Thank you for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts! Have a fantastic week!
      ~Christa G.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. In the end even June Carter’s love would not have been strong enough for Johnny. Until the addict realizes the addiction and realizes they need the strength of someone else to help them out of the pit, our strength and love mean very little. This is a very poignant post and I know identifies with the struggles so many live with every day. I, for one, am so glad you have found your voice and are using your strength to help others!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You have no idea how much I needed to read this today. I feel like I’m in the middle of this roller coaster and I don’t know how to get off. On the one hand, I love the guy. On the other, I know that it’s no good for my own mental health. It’s just a never ending cycle. Thanks for writing this. It gives me hope that I can do this and it’ll all be ok.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Miss K,
      I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. The struggle is incredibly difficult because you feel so in love with them, but you’re actually just in love with the idea of who they could be. When you’re able to take a step back and see the relationship as a whole, how have you been treated? Are your needs being met? Do you feel like you argue in circles? Are you always at fault for any issues in the relationship? Check out the Power and Control wheel, we have a link in our helpful links section, it changed my life. Just know that you deserve all the happiness in the world, just like anyone else. Things from your past no longer control you, we are all in control of our happiness. Best wishes to you, hold your head high, you are strong enough to overcome anything that stands in the way of your goals and success. Much love to you! Thank you for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts.
      ~Christa G.

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  6. Suzanne H.

    wow, I had no idea we were so much alike. Unlike you, I stayed. He is much better now, after a year on suboxone, celebrate recovery and 12 step, moving twice, and now taking kratom. He isn’t perfect and the fear is always there in the back of my mind that things will go back to the way they were, but for now, it’s the past. I still struggle with trust and wonder if I can ever get over that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Suzanne, I’m so glad you found us and were able to read this post! The main thing to focus on is your partner’s willingness to recover, willingness to fight the addiction, and willingness to ensure you both have a healthy relationship. In my situation there was no willingness to change his circumstances until I was gone, so there was no help for us. Read more about red flags that your partner may be abusing again, be aware of who he is communicating with, be aware of who is coming and going from your home. .. your safety is priority. Addicts can recover, and they can heal. .. I’m connected to a gentleman that owns Sober Evolution, it’s an organization geared toward helping bring recovering addicts support and motivation. Check them out at soberevolution.com
      Good luck to you and the rest of this healing journey. Trust is something he will have to earn back, and he needs to remain patient with you as you heal too. .. it’s not easy, but there are many ways to help yourself. Reading about similar situations to yours is a great way to start. Much love to you! ~Christa G.

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