Shades of Insanity

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“You’re being completely crazy! Have you been taking your medication?!”

This was a regular occurrence for me in a past relationship. If I came across the hint that drug use was becoming an issue for my partner again, or that he was hiding something, I would raise questions about it only to be met with accusations of over-analyzing the situation. I just needed to calm down and make sure I was taking my anti-anxiety medication as prescribed. All those years I really thought I was overreacting, that I was the one with the problem. I was the one prescribed anti-anxiety medication to keep from having panic attacks when I would get upset. I was the one being treated for anxiety, not him, so then I really was crazy!

This was life with a psychopath.

They use their charm and manipulation to get what they want from everyone around them. They mold themselves into the person that they need to portray, in whatever situation they are in, in order to gain control. I had been manipulated to the point that I still question my intuition and sanity today, years after being out of that relationship.
The pain is still so vivid. I question myself daily. I question everyone daily. I question my gut feelings daily. Am I being overly analytical and crazy? Or are these fears normal? Do I have the right to question their activities? Do I have the right to question whether or not they’re telling me the truth? The struggle is real guys, and it’s extremely difficult to overcome. The constant strain on my mind, trying to overcome my own internal struggles, weighs me down and steals my joy. How do we overcome it? How do we take back our lives and the happiness that is so rightfully ours? We can’t depend on other people to make us happy, we have to look to ourselves. Dig deep and discover what makes us happy. Know that if in your gut you sense something is wrong, then your instinct is almost always right.

So, while it’s completely understandable that we suffer from a plethora of mental health issues after years of abuse, we also need to realize that we can’t use them as a crutch. Eventually we need to be able to move on with our lives. Build healthy relationships. Learn to trust again. Learn to live again. Learn to love again. And just in general, learn to be happy. It takes time to heal from emotional scars, sometimes years, and sometimes people never fully heal. Along the way to healing, we need to stay aware and keep in mind all of the red flags that let us know things aren’t healthy and we need to step back and analyze the situation. When looking at your relationship through a different lens, keep in mind these key signs that you could be dating a psychopath:

When you first meet them they shower you with flattery, displays of affection, and declarations of traits that make you both perfect for each other.

They prey on your emotions with stories to make you feel sorry for their past experiences. Whether with an ex, a co-worker, family member, or friend. They are always the victim in every situation of their life. You’ll quickly have a soft spot for them, they’ve used their charm so effectively that they have you hooked.

Now that you’re hooked they begin to create situations purposefully to make you jealous. They begin to surround themselves with people who provide them with added attention. They want you to know that they are wanted by everyone. So you better not slip up because they have plenty of admirers to fall back on.

Eventually you’ll come to the point that you begin to see through their behaviors. You’ll begin to question their activities, you’ll confront them about it and you’ll be met with accusations that you’re crazy. They are master manipulators and will rewrite reality in front of you, turning the situation around, making it appear to be your fault. They condition you to believe that the problem isn’t the abuse itself, but instead your reactions to their abuse.

They will accuse you of feeling emotions that they are intentionally instilling in you. They will call you jealous after blatantly flirting with an ex on social media, for the world to see. They’ll call you needy after ignoring you for days on end. They use your reactions to garner sympathy from other targets, trying to prove how irrational and crazy you are.
You notice that there is always an excuse for everything. They constantly blame others, it’s never their fault. They will spend more time justifying their behavior than improving it.

Eventually you won’t recognize your own feelings. Your natural tendencies for love and compassion have been replaced by uncontrollable panic and anxiety. You may even resort to taking anti-anxiety medication, as I did. You apologize on a regular basis for things you didn’t do and cry more than any other time in your life. After being broken down by an abuser, you will feel crazy, emotionally exhausted, empty, depressed, and worthless. Don’t let it come to that. Pay attention to the signs and get out before they drag you down the gutter.

 

We can’t depend on other people to make us happy, we have to look to ourselves.

 

The signs are there—in every situation, relationship, and circumstance in our lives. Pay attention, take notes, learn to trust your instincts, and know that no one has the right to belittle you, call you names, or beat you (men and women alike). Regardless of what you think your actions were that prompted their bad behavior, they are not a justification for them to hurt you. Abuse is real. Abuse is painful. Abuse is life-wrecking. There are options, there is help for you, and you can be saved. Please reach out to someone today if you can relate to anything in this post. Everyone deserves happiness!

~Christa G.

9 thoughts on “Shades of Insanity

  1. Emily

    My parents were in this relationship. I picked up these tendencies in my own life. “You don’t recognize your own feelings. You always apologize” i remember becoming neutral, never too happy, never too sad. I thought it was wrong to feel….I remember how much I longed to feel again…to cry, to get mad, to laugh….for someone (anyone) to know see and know me on the inside.

    The constant blaming. I remember being such a good kid because I wanted to be blameless….then no one could have an excuse to get mad at me.

    I hated how my dad would do something wrong and my mom would get upset (rightfully so) and he would twist it and instigate my mom to get more upset until he would say…look at you, calm down, your getting out of control or he would start to laugh or pray out loud. It got weird.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Emily, I’m so sorry to hear that you were subjected to that as a child. The emotional damage done is so incredibly hard to heal from. This was my biggest fear, that my three children would think that the behavior of their father was normal and that’s how relationships should be. That was the driving force behind leaving, and thankfully we are so much happier! I hope that you were able to reach a period in your childhood/teen years where you no longer feared being blamed. I hope that you and your mother were able to regain happiness and some form of normalcy. Psychopaths inflict misery on everyone that they come in contact with. Thank you for reading, and I hope that you are doing well! ~Christa G.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. victimsofhim, I am so sorry to hear that you have lived through similar situations. It is incredibly hard to get away from and the road to healing is a long one, but it does get much easier! I am so incredibly happy that you were able to get out. Hang on to the knowledge that you are now capable of loving again, but your abuser will never be capable of love. They only inflict pain on every life they touch. We post weekly, and reading stories from others was a big help when I first left my abusive relationship of 12 years. It let me know I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t at fault, and I wasn’t making a mistake in leaving. Take care! Much love ~Christa G.

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  2. Dear Christa, what an insightful post, which will most certainly provide helpful information to other people who are experiencing such draining situations. I admire you for having the strength to extricate yourself from that awful relationship. Blessings and heart-felt good wishes, Sam 🙂

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    1. Sam, thank you so much for the encouraging words. It’s my hope that the stories Lindsey and I share reach someone that’s going through similar circumstances and just needs confirmation that they’re not the one that’s crazy. 😊 Blessings to you, thank you for reading! ~ Christa G.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Chris, thank you so much for reading. The tragedy is that there are so many people experiencing these same situations and they don’t realize that it’s abuse. I appreciate your kind words! Blessings! ~ Christa G.

      Liked by 1 person

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